Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
