Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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