so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
