somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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