I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i now understand why vodka
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
