3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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