I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
