i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
