I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
