oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
