You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
