First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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