Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
