i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
How naked do you want me to be?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
