I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
