I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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