My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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