you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
