i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
