8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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