i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
