Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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