I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
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he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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