he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
