i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
