broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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