i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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