can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
