There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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