The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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