I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
