I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
