How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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