im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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