I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
