Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
