I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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