I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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