I hope mine doesn't look like that
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
