I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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