now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
