if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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