Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
