Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
