Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
