I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
