I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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