I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I touched a dick in church today
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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