Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
