No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
