So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
