Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
zippers are such a cool invention
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
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