okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
