Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Randomize
