Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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