Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
