a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
