I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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