I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
