I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
